I have always been shy, I have always hidden in the shadows, I have always been too worried about what others thought of me and I have never allowed myself to shine.
Knowing that I was going to come first in something – I would jeopardise it. I would hate all that attention and focus on me. I distinctly remember the first time this occurring was when I tried Little Athletics. I loved competing, the running, the hurdles but I would always make sure not to come first, slowing down so that I would come behind someone else and even then still cringed at attention being thrown my way – needless to say I didn’t last long doing it.
It kept on from there through all phases of my life. Even when I was in management roles I still shied away from attention, the limelight, being fully in my power. I still aimed to get to these roles as I do not like settling for mediocre and will always strive to do my best, but I still hated it with a passion. I can see now how much a battle it must have been inside when one part of me wants to do and be my best, while the other is lurking in the shadows and wanting that for me as well.
I still am that way, only discovering this pattern the last week or so, but already I am slowly trying to change how I am with it…
Normally I lurk in the facebook groups that I am in whereas the last couple of days I have been posting in some of them, worrying about what other people think of me is another big problem for me – again this week I have been putting myself out there in these posts and trying not to worry about it, much!
Creating a new page and blog that really put me out there has been something else that I have done, pooping myself all the way, but I still did it.
I even entered a competition to win something and actually won it and was happy about it rather than cringing at all that focus on me.
While they have only been small things that I have done, beginning small is helping my Ego, lurking side, to come to terms that I am no longer going to be hiding and loitering in those shadows – that I am one day soon going to be happy having that spotlight shine down on just me and I will be there with a smile on my face and my shoulders back ready to face the world.
This is one of many self-sabotaging patterns that I am going to delve into and work on those deep seated issues on why I don’t feel good enough for greatness and why I feel the need to hide myself and who I am. I can honestly that I cannot wait to free this from myself.
Till next time… keep walking your spiritual path xx