My own Safe Place

safe place

 

I am my safe place and I trust my body to keep me safe”

 

When we stress, are anxious, panicking , worrying etc. it is because we are not trusting. We are not believing in OURSELVES enough. We are not putting any faith or trust in the universe. The list is pretty endless but it really comes down to ourselves or the trust we try to put outside of ourselves.

I made up and have been saying this affirmation to myself a hell of lot lately, mainly because I have been needing the constant reminder.

You see, when we don’t have faith in ourselves, to keep us safe, to make the right decisions, to do the right thing and say the right thing blah blah blah – that is when stress and anxiety and all those other nasty shitty things come creeping in. We may not even realise that is the reason why we keep feeling those things but it is truly that we do not trust, in ourselves and just as importantly we don’t trust in the Big U.

Now trusting in the Big U and just expecting everything and not doing anything to help and wondering why nothing happens is completely different. It is a co-creation every step of the way so if you are not doing the work or prepared then not much else is going to happen. All that will happen is the same old shit, possibly a different bucket but still the same crappy circumstances. If you are willing to meet somewhere along the path, then magic can happen.

What I really wanted to talk about though was not trusting in yourself. To give you an example – In the deepest pits of my panic, it affected my eating, I must of panicked one time when eating and then I avoided it as I didn’t want to have another and then it became such a bad habit that I pretty much forgot what it was like to even eat – I am talking almost 14 years of not eating normal food. I was worse than a baby trying ‘solids’ for the first time. I would literally joke that my niece was eating better than me at 6 months of age – and she was.

When you started peeling back all of the layers, sure heaps of different stuff came up and kept coming up and then more layers and reasons and scenarios kept cropping up. When you kept peeling though, the big fundamental reason why I was doing that – is I felt I couldn’t keep myself safe. That I would manage to make myself choke and die. Literally that is what it came down to. I didn’t trust myself at the most basic of levels for survival…

So what chance did I have of surviving, if I couldn’t trust myself to keep me alive? Now that is an extreme example, mainly because I kept refusing to deep dive until it got to that level of learning and desperation.

Instead I looked to others for safety, for places to make me feel safe, and while it was okay for the first little while – slowly you start to give away your power, it leaches out of you while you cling to this person or that safe hidey hole until you are left with not much left in the power tank.

And that can be when rock bottom hits… Or you may be so stubborn that they have to throw a few more curve balls at you till you are willing to swan dive off into the shadow lands and reclaim yourself.

Now I have been deep sea diving for a good long while, rather than band aid over the cracks, I have knocked that cracking crumbling foundation to the ground and started afresh with a beautiful looking, strong as hell base.

But even now that trusting and safe place issue can still crop up – in the traffic when I feel stuck, in situations where I feel overwhelmed and just want to run away screaming, when something knocks me for six and I go back to old habits,  the list goes on.

So I am sitting here thinking – I AM my safe place and I trust in my body to keep me safe.

And you know what – It totally has! I am still here alive and kicking – even through everything that has happened and then some. So it has totally done its job, above and beyond really when you think about it.

So I invite you to deep sea dive with me and really ask yourself – why do I not feel safe?

Why am I allowing past stuff that has happened screw with thinking that I am my safe place and that I trust my body to keep me safe?

What am I still holding onto?

Why I am not trusting the Universe/God/ Spirit/Big U – whatever you want to call ‘it’ and therefore running my life scared?

Why am I coming from a place of fear rather than love?

Really ponder those questions and see what comes up. There will be a lot of childhood stuff that I am sure will pop up. There may even be past lives stuff that come up. I know for me, this is my first time in a body so it can be hard to realise that I am completely my own safe place and to trust in this foreign thing called a body. Who knows what will come up for you, but honour whatever does and then let it gently go. Simply recognising what is coming up is enough to create an incredible shift.

Either way, you need to CHOOSE now that you will no longer let old shit, outside influencers or yourself affect your safe place – which is YOU! You are completely capable of looking after yourself and keeping yourself utterly safe, if only you begin to trust yourself more.

Even if you make a ‘mistake’, there is still no reason to throw yourself overboard. You wouldn’t do that to a small child or helpless animal – so why would you do it to yourself? You can learn from anything if you allow it, and need I remind you that through it all, you are still alive and kicking-  so totally SAFE!

Allow yourself to feel completely 100% safe, will there be some side shuffles back into fear territory? – probably, we are human after all. But come back to I AM my safe place and I trust my body to keep me safe each and every time you feel those stressy vibes start to get their hooks into you.

Everything we feel is a choice. Sometimes it is easier to make the loved based,right choice when we are feeling amazing and everything seems to be going fab, but it is not always easy when it is the opposite – but that typically is when we need it the most.

That feeling, will be that hand that is being held out to you and lifting you up when you fall in a heap on the floor, or banging  your head against the hardest surface. Imagine how empowering and magical it would feel – knowing that hand that is being ‘held out’ is your own damn hand.

Go and be your own saviour, go and be your own rescue centre. Know that no matter what you have or haven’t got on you, or where you are or what you do – YOU have your own back and are completely safe (and cherished).

Now be your own temple, your safety hub, your own police station/fire truck and hospital all rolled into one.

You totally have this, you wouldn’t be walking this life if you didn’t. So own it, love it and most importantly live it.

 

Till next time… keep walking your spiritual path xx

 

And yes it can be as easy as deciding it is so.

Advertisements

Fed up of the stories

                                             Push aside Blog

I didn’t come down to be all these mother fucking excuses… NO MORE!!!

I push all the stories aside and go back to being me…

 

I wrote these words last night in a journal entry and bloody hell was it like a dam broke and I felt free.

Too many times we get caught up in our own shit stories, in the stories we hear from others, in society and how we should or shouldn’t be… but if you only shoved aside the excuses and pushed aside the bullshit and was just YOU… the world would be your oyster!

That is not to say that these wonderful excuses and stories would just fade away and you would have a fairytale existence for the rest of time. But it means reading those lines over and over to yourself when stuff does pop up and choosing to not live in them anymore. And by live in them, I mean the set-up tent and live there, as opposed to the recognizing and working your way through them.

When you are seriously ready to give yourself that green light – it can be as easy as simply saying NO MORE to yourself, and sometimes it needs a little work – in the way YOU need it. Not what is meant as the norm, or what well-meaning people tell you. For sure take it on board, but then go within and find that magic prescription that is the right bomb just for you and go blast all the shit away.

It could be taking some hints and tips from this person, that person, that post over there that reaches into your heart. But ultimately you know deep down, you just got to find it. Or more to the point be WILLING to find it.

And sometimes it simply is as easy as saying NO MORE… over and over and over again.

Lets face it – we are souls sitting in a human body whose primitive function is to keep us safe. So if you have ever felt anxious/scared/ worried about anything, it will latch onto that little tidbit and then go waaay out of its way to keep you safe. BUT and I say this with love and kindness – YOU can choose to say that this or that is in fact safe and push through to the other side. So the never ending NO MORE (or however you want to phrase it) needs to happen so that you can start training that part of you to recognize that not everything in this world is big and scary and going to eat us.

What is most important, is you are setting your soul free of its little golden cage and you are allowing the real you the go ahead to shine fucking bright. Like epically bright. The you before the shit storm that is life, the you before you hammered yourself into a little corner and can hardly even remember who you really are any more. Possibly connecting to a part of yourself that you haven’t even really met before.

Being true to you is the single most important thing you can do. Living your life’s purpose without restriction is the bestest, most on point thing you can do for yourself.

It can also be the hardest, if you make it that way.

Follow what feels right for you, again some people’s prescriptions may be utterly on point for you and some are not.  March to the beat of your own rightness and take what you need and leave the others behind.

Again, when you really feel into it, you know what feels right for you and what feels a little icky and not quite fitting.

Listen to your body when you try something. Try it out for a little while to see if it feels right. Try something else or a combo.

 Do what you need to do to shine and prosper and the world will be your oyster, your own Disney land and every other loveable thing.

The world doesn’t need you to fit into a box, or a circle or a certain label – it just needs you – unapologetic, raw YOU!

So set yourself free and feel that relief that comes with knowing you just need to be you and go forth and SHINE.

 

Till next time… keep walking your spiritual path xx

 

Clearing…

clear yes

 

The last couple of days have been big, tough ones but also very cleansing as well.

I finally, after almost four months, cleared up all of my pooches stuff – the stuff I couldn’t bear to put away from his last couple of days with us.

It was hard, gut-wrenching and full of tears but I also knew deep down where it was no longer staying quiet that in order to move on, I needed to do this. Didn’t make it any easier and even a day later, my eyes still drift to where those things were and they are no longer there and tears want to come.

But I was holding myself back, caught up in the storm of horror that the last 48 hours of his life had become. It was taking me back there every single time I caught a glimpse of them, which being in the kitchen and my car – were often.

So finally, I listened to that call of my soul, knowing it was time to shed that part of it and let it go. I didn’t even really get to think about it, it was an unconscious move on my part to just pick them up and put them in his plastic container that holds everything else.

The weight that lifted behind the grief was pretty immense. The knowing that I was allowing myself to let go of the pain of his last few days and the trauma of that experience sink into my being rather than living in it so intensely day to day was a feeling like no other. It hasn’t meant that is gone, simply that I refuse to dwell in it and wash myself in it every day.

It also meant I was now giving myself room to allow new to enter into my life. Funnily enough once I had done that, I went and spring cleaned outside and rearranged and decluttered spaces… again all on an unconscious level of just allowing. I simply went with the flow and didn’t get caught up in anything, apart from remembering to sit and eat a couple of times!

It really made me realise how stagnant I had let myself become and how it affected me on all levels of myself, my businesses etc. I had put up this big arse wall of grief, sadness, you name it – wallowing in all the bad stuff and having a giant pity party– which don’t get me wrong – it needed to happen and probably will from time to time but I was enjoying being there way too much and I simply knew it was time to start saying YES to life again.

Cathartic was also a great way to describe it as I said out loud to my boy – Tex, I am not forgetting you or letting you go… I am simply letting go of the trauma and shit from your passing. It was really a reassurance for me, as he has been up there knowing this needed to happen from the word go, but all in its own time.

It makes me ask you this question – what in your life are you holding onto that is causing you grief, pain or any of those other not so pleasant emotions and feelings?

What can you do to make room for more in your life?

It doesn’t have to be a big major thing, it can be simply looking at an ornament and seriously not liking it!

Either way it is a great time now to start making way for new to enter your life – be it new wonderful emotions or something physical. It may be something you are wanting or craving or you could just leave it up to the Big U to bring you exactly what you need.

It can be something as small as moving that blasted ornament, to clearing out a cupboard and neatening it up. Anything big or small, you do what is right for you. Just think in your mind or out loud – that you are clearing and making way for the new.

And it is amazing the beautiful confirmations you get when you know it is the right path. Take today for example,  getting into my car for the first time since cleaning it out of Tex’s stuff (and the rest of the junk)-  I loved seeing the clean car and the nice feels it gave me and even more, a beautiful little white feather sitting on my passenger seat where Tex would sit. Letting me know that I am not alone and it is totally okay.

So please do yourself a favour, and if the time is right, go and shed something that isn’t serving you anymore. Even if you are not sure what that something is, go do something physical and just allow.

So enjoy opening your arms wide to whatever is to come your way!

Till next time… keep walking your spiritual path xx

I LOVE ME!!

i lvoe me

 

I LOVE ME! Shout it from the rooftops. Allow every action you take to reinforce it. Be love. Be totally in love with yourself. Give yourself compliments. Take yourself out on dates. Spoil yourself. Just be LOVE.”

This is a page from my little book of Angelical Wisdoms and I decided tonight to open a page and write a blog on it.

This is a perfect one to start with, and lets face it – the hardest!

Daily life can totally get in the way of this. Shit happens and loving ourselves and feeling that super duper loved up feeling takes a back seat to everything else that is happening to us.

But here is the thing, I will let you on in a not so secret secret… this is the absolute BEST time to practice this, when shit is hitting the proverbial fan. When you feel like tearing your hair out. It is the best time to start doing whatever you need to do to get back on the love train.

The love train differs for so many people. So do whatever you need to do to start feeling loved up with life again.

Something I can definitely heavily hint at is gratitude work, now I all know what you are thinking – how can it possibly help when all seems lost. Doing the gratitude work during this time, is what makes you see that all is not lost, dark and desolate. It is in fact pretty freaking magnificent – even if it means you are only grateful for breathing and managing to get yourself out of bed today. It seriously is the little things that show us all is not a dark cloud of gloom. Finding something in the crap that is getting to you is also a great way to see that there is positives in even the shittiest of things.

The biggest and most greatest thing it does though, is help your inner light, shine that little bit brighter. To help connect to who you truly are and not that human outer shell that just wants to see the negatives in life.

Loving yourself doesn’t mean that you are full of yourself, it simply means you accept yourself warts and all. Those warts and the good bits are what makes you uniquely you, so why the hell would you want to diss them? They are where your greatest lessons come from and really, you only have them for this lifetime so cherish them while you can!

Loving yourself is a big thumbs up to the universe to start attracting all the juicy yummy things in life. Lets face it, you may still attract awesomeness in your life even when you don’t – but you still get those underserving feelings, and sense of well if this is happening – what bad is going to happen, it must be around the corner. And what happens? Yep something will happen that leaves you justifying those thoughts and feelings. But this is YOU attracting that. Whether it is small or little things, your vibe attracts everything.

Now don’t get me wrong, some things happen which is part of your lessons, your tests in this life and what have you. No one ever ‘asks’ for some of the big serious stuff but happens… but really you kinda did when you signed up for this lifetime. But I am sidetracking. Even with those big monumental things – YOU can still CHOOSE what train track you take from here on out.

You can get sidetracked down the wrong track, it happens to the best of us, and I assure you both my arms are waving in the air for some of the side tracks I have taken and kept myself unnecessarily on… but there comes a time when it is time to pull your big person pants up and get on with the right track.

Again that track can differ for everyone but lets call it the Love train track of happiness, joy and wonder.

It is available to you, if only if you reach out and grab it and be willing to ride it into the sunset.

My biggest turn around came when I learnt to accept all of me, and especially those yucky egoish wonders that I had let rule my life for so long. I learnt to love all of it, gory warts and all and funnily enough they became less and less of a threat and more of a guidance system. And I realised that yes they were there, but it was still entirely up to me whether I chose to listen to the whispers they were spewing on a daily basis.

So today, choose to LOVE you exactly how you are today and see what transforms in your life for it. It can be hard if you resist it, but it also can be as easy as feeling a deep resounding yes in your heart/gut and just simply choosing it.

Archangel Michael says – You are love, you reside in love. It is deep within you already. You only have to allow yourself to feel it, feel it without the distractions of every day life. This is available to you 24/7. Choose to feel the love your soul has for you and everyone around you.

 

Till next time… keep walking your spiritual path xx

 

Sticking it to the Big U

In a time when I have probably needed it the most, I have stuck my middle finger up at the Universe and Spirit. Yep it is up there high in the air and I just don’t care. Well I do but I also totally don’t.

You see one of my beloved pooches had to be put to sleep and I have been raging ever since. Deep in my grieving despair.

During the 15 hours we spent with him in doggy ICU I begged for a miracle. I called in all the big guns to surround him and heal him and it was beautiful and magical to see. But it totally wasn’t the outcome I wanted. Instead they were helping to ease his pain, to ease his transition from body to just being a soul again.

And I didn’t like it. Truly we got miracles that day. From him being on a ventilator, not breathing on his own to doing so for the whole day. To him waking up and breathing through a nasal tube rather than a full breathing tube and us getting to say goodbye while awake. But again, it wasn’t the outcome I wanted.

Now coming out of my humanly grief, I can see that it was his time. I mean his airways slowly collapsed after a breathing tube from an MRI and he got hit with pneumonia pretty much straight away – there was no room left for us to be able to bring him physically home, they made sure of it. But I still held on to hope. I still asked for help.

Out of my grief, I know he is still around, he shows me every single day in some way or another. But it is the physical that is the hardest, not seeing his handsome self, not being able to cuddle him etc.

So I shunned my spiritual pit crew, I waved my fists at the big guns I asked for help (while cringingly apologising for doing so) and I hated myself for not being able to do more.

I am still in that a little. I am meant to be this powerful healing Angel yet I couldn’t save my own dog, I mean what is with that??? Again deep down at soul level I know that when it is someone’s time, there ain’t shit you can do to stop that. But it hasn’t stopped me from thinking it. It hasn’t stopped me from wanting to swear and curse above and fall to my knees saying why??.

 

And I tell you now. DO IT. No matter if it isn’t a loss you feel. Do what you need to do to get it all out. While I went a bit overboard, I had to curse and get all my dreaded feelings up, even if they had no true basis other than it wasn’t the outcome I wanted. Even though it was human ego based and my soul and heart truly knew the right answers, I still needed to wade my way through those heavy feelings so that I could start feeling light again.

One of the things that has slowly pulled me out of this muddy water is Tex. Knowing that he was the happiest chappy on the planet, and would in no way want to see me like this, let alone be this, has made me try harder to get through it. By no means am I rushing, as I know if I don’t feel the tears every day, if I don’t work through the what if’s and why’s – they will come back to haunt my body and mind in some way if I stuff the emotions down.

But rather than focussing on the last three days of his life that were full of poking and prodding and difficulties breathing. I will instead remember the wonderful nine spoilt years he had with us and remember him how he was, how he is, on the other side.

I am not honouring him by being a shell. I am not honouring our other pooches by half living. I am not honouring myself by ignoring my spiritual side just because I am pissed, again by not getting the outcome I wanted.

Needing to let go of that notion that it should be how I wanted it and how it should be rather than what it actually is and what was meant to be is a hard pill to swallow, especially when it isn’t in our favour. But it must be done otherwise you can drive yourself mad.

Luckily my soul is starting to sneak through even if my human side is trying to cut her out and I have moments of clarity where I know he has gone for a reason that will be revealed to me. That while I am amazing, I cannot change something that already has been fated and decided. That my pit crew did what they could to ease the way and took him up personally at my request.

So it is totally okay to stick your finger up to the Universe for a moment in time and have your completely human moment. They understand and back off while you have this time as they know it is healthy in your development, that it is better to rage than stuff it down and pretend that all is ok when it is not. That you will be even stronger when you have to claw your way back from the ledge.

 

Just don’t stand there too long, you will always find your way back if you are wanting to, but don’t make it harder on yourself than you need to. Even amongst all this raging and fist shaking, I have known deep down that if I had of connected and done some spiritual work, my pain would have been easier, I would have heard some of the answers more clearly and just felt that support system that I have really needed to feel.  Instead I felt I needed to punish myself and my pit crew and while there is no right or wrong, I know it is now time for me to go back into the fold.

It doesn’t mean that I have figured it all out or still not beating myself up for it. It doesn’t mean that I am not longer going to shed any tears – I totally am, I can guarantee it. BUT in amongst all that, I am going to breathe in and feel his peace and happiness. I am going to ask for help from my spiritual pit crew. I am going to remember all the silly things he used to do, which will bring a smile and then more than likely a tear. But those tears meant he was loved and brought a difference to our lives. That we are better and stronger for having him and that he is missed and loved beyond reason.

So with that thought in mind, I am happy to let my tears fall and the memories fall from my lips and thoughts. I want him to know how valued a family member he was. But I no longer want him whimpering because he can see I am totally miserable and cannot physically be there to help me.

My middle fingers are officially down and I am ready Big U to take my place again.

 

Till next time… keep walking your spiritual path (even if that means leaving it for a time) xx

Pot of Gold

It is funny, life events, happenings and all the frills life has to offer us – usually means that I have so much inspiration to write from, to think and feel.

Lately though, even though there has been much happening in my life, I just haven’t felt that tug, that aha and rush to the keyboard so that I could get all that I was thinking and feeling down before it left the building. Nothing at all, nada zilch and I haven’t pushed myself to try… until now.

While I am not ready to put into words  some of the stuff that has been going on, I am ready to step back out into the world and acknowledge.

 

And all I can say is this. Things can get overwhelming, whether it be because crazy shit is going on, amazing stuff is going on, whatever it may be, it can still get a little much at times. For anyone. So I tell you this.

IT IS TOTALLY OKAY!!!! Now I have probably harped on about this before, but it bears repeating. Whatever and wherever you are right now, in this very moment – it is totally okay. If you are close to a nuclear explosion of epic proportions, or your awesome sauce jar is ready to spill right over – it is all cool.

Feel that shit, let it settle into your bones like a second muscle, let yourself feel where it is sitting within you, where it makes you feel fucking amazing or where it feels you are about to cough up your very own giant furball. Just feel it. Allow that to simmer, roll in it, swim in it, use it as a deodorant. Do whatever you have to do to let it LIVE. That is all it wants, to be felt and let live, if only for a short while. To maybe whisper a story in your ear, or paint you a vivid picture – let it.

Now take that story or picture and really look at it. Maybe it is telling you an old story of what has been, heaven forbid what may be or are mash up of the both. What is it trying to tell you, show you?

Again, really feel whatever is going on. If it is bringing up past stuff, see how it relates to today, I am sure somehow in feeling, it is exactly what you are feeling now. Let it all show itself, in however it needs to. I can tell you sometimes at first glance you cannot begin to understand how it relates but dig a little deeper till you get that deep aha sigh of relief.

Then it is time to take a step back, get yourself, when you know it is time, and only you can be the judge of that, to step back and look at it without all the emotions, feelings and yourself clouding your judgement. Look at what you need to do, if any to rectify, change, accept, let go of. You name it, you may need to do it.  And it doesn’t need to be an instant, snap your fingers and it is done kind of thing. It may take time. It may take a few moves back on the path to what you have chosen to do about it before you get to the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

But by honouring, feeling and not dismissing all that you are feeling and going through – you will get to that big arse pot of gold… and man it will be glorious.

 

Till next time… keep walking your spiritual path xx

 

Feels like a Dear Diary entry

I am a Guardian Angel and part of my ‘mission’ is to talk about Angels, yet if you were to look at my posts and so forth – you may be hard pressed to know that about me. Don’t get me wrong, I still, I guess bring that Angelic energy of mine to anything I write and say but it isn’t always the same.

I sometimes look to those that are known as the expert and I kinda non angelically say to myself, Hello, you want an expert (while waving my arms in the air) but how the hell is anyone to know??? Face palming at its finest.

The last couple of days, I really got to thinking why or what is lurking in the background to stop me from jumping into my full potential…

 

To start really delving into the topic of Angels means that I am doing part of my purpose, which means stepping up and out and having all that brings with it… Am I ready for that, I keep telling myself yes but hey looky here – she is still talking about everything BUT Angels!!! So clearly the thought terrifies me still. But really who am I to deny those that want to read my stuff? Who am I to deny myself and my family to not write about them.

It is also deeply personal for me. It is my family after all who I am talking about and in some way, I kinda want to keep that for myself. They are so deep and meaningful to me that I just want to hold onto them for myself just a little longer. It also means delving and discovering things that am I ready to see/hear/feel? Clearly not.

Sharing also means gathering as above which makes my little ego warrior stand up tall and go pfft like what your saying is right or anyone wants to hear. And while my gorgeous little ego warrior is a bestie nowadays, she still makes me cower a little when things like that come out and makes me want to go you are totally right, lets just leave this awesome knowledge deep inside and keep living small. Problem with that is there is no way that can happen any longer – so a little tug of war starts between my soul and my ego warrior. Which is super awesome (sarcasm included).

Another thing that comes to mind is so many people have Angel something or rather in their title, and talk about Angels non stop- which makes me not want to join the masses. Like at all. But then I remember that we are all different in our own unique way and all amazing in our own way so who cares right? It is the same that we are all men or women, we carry that same title but when it drills down to it, we are all totally different. You get the idea anyway.

Most of all, I want to do justice to my family. Even thinking about how strong my connection is now, is bringing tears of joy to my eyes. Will I do them justice, will I make them proud or will God sit up there thinking ‘Why in the hell did we send her down for’ (totally said in my ego warriors voice of course). The only way I will not do them justice is by NOT talking about them.

So this is me taking that first step in talking about them and really making myself accountable. This is me honouring my souls plea to not necessarily start but to keep moving along that path, just a bit more. To start uncovering the layers within to reveal the memories and getting help from the fam when needed to start bringing you more about Angels and plenty of other stuff as well. And also for myself, sometimes our purpose for others is exactly what we also need.

Till next time… keep walking your spiritual path xx