I have always had a very complex relationship with my mum. I love her to the ends of the Earth but I also hate her just as passionately. It has always been a case of me being the parent and her the child for most of my life. To feel this push and pull on my emotions can be draining so I have learnt to treat her like a distant relative for the sake of my sanity, and so that my own healing could begin.
As I delve into getting me clear, it has helped me to see that she has many issues herself that she chooses to mask over with booze and cigarettes. That she can’t necessarily help the way she is due to a not so pleasant childhood herself. I understand all of that on a logical level but I was still always angry at her for the fact that I was able to crawl and claw myself out of this to stop the cycle continuing and be strong and forge a new path, so why couldn’t she? It was during a moment of clarity that I realised that if she had of been any other way, I would not have turned out the way I have. That maybe she had to be weak to show me a new way of being strong? That my life path demanded these experiences so that I could learn and make a difference down the track.
I am learning to forgive her for things that happened because I need to be at peace with my past, whether she deserves that forgiveness or not. Sometimes regardless of who the parent is, you need to be the bigger person and learn that you cannot change someone or events that have occurred – all you can do is change your reaction to it and pick out any positives that you can so they cannot weigh you down anymore.
In doing that I am not only learning so much about myself and just how much of her ‘baggage’ I am carrying but also finding a little bit more compassion for her these days than I ever have felt before. I feel sad that she is in a continuing loop of what she has made for herself, but I don’t feel the need to react to it as I would have once upon a time. I would love nothing more to help pull her out of the dark pit she is residing in, but I also know I cannot do that for her, until she is willing to hold a hand out for me to take.
There is always going to be someone like this in our lives, be it family or friends of our choosing. Just remember that no matter what you cannot change someone, you can only ever change your reaction to them and learn to deal with them in a way that is beneficial to your wellbeing. They can also be great lesson givers and have a way of making a difference to your own life, if you are willing to take a step back and see it.
No matter what, let these people and experiences help you grow for the better, and not let it dull your sparkle.
Till next time… keep walking your spiritual path xx