It has been 8 full moons since my little right hand pooch left his body. 8 months of me processing, feeling, hiding and dealing with grief in all of its forms.
Here is some learning that I have taken from it… this applies to anyone whether they have lost a pet, a friend, a family member and not even necessarily in death, as lets face it, grief can come even with it is only the ‘death’ of something – that still means that person or situation is still alive.
Some days you can go through the day without even thinking about the situation or person/pet that is no longer physically with you. You can smile and feel like your heart is semi, fully intact. And then a huge hammer comes down and blows it all to smithereens, and you feel guilt – guilt at being happy and okay because they are not there with you. Guilt that you could have forgotten them even for a second.
The guilt can come in many forms – guilt over not being able to do something differently that may have resulted in a different outcome. Guilt over losing them. Guilt over wishing that something could have taken their place, because why that one in particular, then you feel even more guilt because you honestly wouldn’t wish it upon someone else and guilt that you maybe do not love them as much because of the thought. Guilt because while you hug others close to you, you mentally and emotionally erect a wall to protect some of that precious heart from breaking off even more.
It is totally okay to feel these guilts, trust me even now I still have all these running through my mind in some form of variation. It is so important to embrace it all rather than push it all away, pretend like you are not feeling it and put on the happy face that everyone wants to see so they can feel at ease.
Sometimes days your soul is able to lead and show you that they are not really gone, they are just in a different form. That everything happens for a reason and everything is divine timing. That as with everything there is a lesson to be learned here.
There will be days where this will be a balm to your frayed edges and a restfulness in your heart that wasn’t there. Other times, you will feel like telling that wise old part of you to fuck right off.
None of your grief is right or wrong and presents so differently in each of us.
I know when we were driving home, I was upset yet so calm. I calmly told my partner when he was raging that everything leading to this moment was meant to happen, otherwise it would have happened differently. That we couldn’t have regrets for anything that transpired. That we loved Tex something fierce and he knew that.
Yet over the coming days and months, I too slipped into that rage, that utter desolation that nothing can fix, the regrets that every day filled my mind over and over as tears slipped down my face. The what ifs that plagued me. The reliving of his agony filled last couple of days.
I told my spiritual pit crew and everyone up above that I had begged for help to fuck right off. I didn’t ‘practice’ or doing anything spiritual for months as a take that to the world, even knowing at a deep level that if I had of connected, I may have felt some love, peace and relief – but I didn’t want that – I wanted to hurt on this level.
One thing that really helped me through was something my twinny from another realm said to me – He has done all he can do for you in doggy form, he now has to return to spirit so that he can help you even more.
That along with his signs and messages really helped me, because all though I couldn’t cuddle him in my arms, I knew that now he could help me anywhere I was.
Even last night as I was crying under the full moon, a different pooch cuddled in my arms, asking for a sign from Tex and then BOOM fireworks noises exploded out of nowhere, then as I came inside, one of my other dogs was breathing funny and when I asked Tex if it is was either his sign or not – to please fix it – the breathing settled and went away.
All I can say is allow your grief to come up in ways that you need to. Try not to wallow for too long in it but deal with it and if that means it take you a few days or weeks in that state, then so be it. But may I also say, that no amount of going over it, letting go of it, accepting it is ever really going to change how you feel, so all you can is process it how you can and know that some of that pain is still going to linger, so don’t get too caught up in it or else it could take over your life.
Keep talking about them. Don’t let yourself or anyone else hide that they ever existed in the hopes of not upsetting you. We talk about Tex most days, in sad and mostly good ways. And it is healing whether you start crying happy tears or sad tears. You are allowing yourself to honour them and proudly standing by their existence and the love for you. And while it hurts like a mofo to begin with and the tears are more sad than happy – they eventually begin to shift to more happy.
Time doesn’t heal everything. It really doesn’t. I still have the wonderful (??) ability to feel exactly the same as the night we said goodbye. Time doesn’t heal that, YOU heal that. And frankly I don’t want or need to fully heal this. It has expanded my heart and awareness to new heights to go through this. It has taken me to a new compassionate high and understanding. Even after losing humans, this death touched me at an entirely different level and for that I am thankful, even on the days when I don’t get out of bed.
And here’s the thing. We cannot choose or have control over when something or someone leaves our life – in any form. What we do have control over is how we choose to allow it affect us.
We can allow it to swallow us whole and be half a human shell just existing in a pit of misery.
Or we can allow it to lift us up. To envelope us in the teachings, magic and love. We can search through the darkness to the light that is showing us the way through this grief, to the other side.
We can allow the death of this to become the lightness to our soul rather than the darkness covering our heart.
The thing is being on the other side of death is not horrible at all, as stuck in our human thinking, we think the worst, but us living are the ones that have the hard time. The other side is full of love, peace and light.
And I choose to honour my boy rather than let his passing go in vain. I choose not to be consumed by the darkness that will cloud you. I choose to live as he did – happy, full of life and mischief rather than be weighed down by 2 days in his life when the rest of his 9 years was bliss.
I let him lighten my heart than darken my soul.
I know he is here with me. You will too if you ask and allow of your own loves that are no longer Earth Side to be there for you.
Allow the grief to come, embrace it, expand with it and then allow it to lighten your soul like I have allowed mine.
Not saying it will be easy, not saying you won’t have days where you say stuff it all, even months/years later. But let it free flow how it needs to. Let yourself heal how it needs to. Let yourself see the healing and lessons, even if you do not want to.
And allow your soul to lighten.
Till next time… keep walking your spiritual path xx