In a time when I have probably needed it the most, I have stuck my middle finger up at the Universe and Spirit. Yep it is up there high in the air and I just don’t care. Well I do but I also totally don’t.
You see one of my beloved pooches had to be put to sleep and I have been raging ever since. Deep in my grieving despair.
During the 15 hours we spent with him in doggy ICU I begged for a miracle. I called in all the big guns to surround him and heal him and it was beautiful and magical to see. But it totally wasn’t the outcome I wanted. Instead they were helping to ease his pain, to ease his transition from body to just being a soul again.
And I didn’t like it. Truly we got miracles that day. From him being on a ventilator, not breathing on his own to doing so for the whole day. To him waking up and breathing through a nasal tube rather than a full breathing tube and us getting to say goodbye while awake. But again, it wasn’t the outcome I wanted.
Now coming out of my humanly grief, I can see that it was his time. I mean his airways slowly collapsed after a breathing tube from an MRI and he got hit with pneumonia pretty much straight away – there was no room left for us to be able to bring him physically home, they made sure of it. But I still held on to hope. I still asked for help.
Out of my grief, I know he is still around, he shows me every single day in some way or another. But it is the physical that is the hardest, not seeing his handsome self, not being able to cuddle him etc.
So I shunned my spiritual pit crew, I waved my fists at the big guns I asked for help (while cringingly apologising for doing so) and I hated myself for not being able to do more.
I am still in that a little. I am meant to be this powerful healing Angel yet I couldn’t save my own dog, I mean what is with that??? Again deep down at soul level I know that when it is someone’s time, there ain’t shit you can do to stop that. But it hasn’t stopped me from thinking it. It hasn’t stopped me from wanting to swear and curse above and fall to my knees saying why??.
And I tell you now. DO IT. No matter if it isn’t a loss you feel. Do what you need to do to get it all out. While I went a bit overboard, I had to curse and get all my dreaded feelings up, even if they had no true basis other than it wasn’t the outcome I wanted. Even though it was human ego based and my soul and heart truly knew the right answers, I still needed to wade my way through those heavy feelings so that I could start feeling light again.
One of the things that has slowly pulled me out of this muddy water is Tex. Knowing that he was the happiest chappy on the planet, and would in no way want to see me like this, let alone be this, has made me try harder to get through it. By no means am I rushing, as I know if I don’t feel the tears every day, if I don’t work through the what if’s and why’s – they will come back to haunt my body and mind in some way if I stuff the emotions down.
But rather than focussing on the last three days of his life that were full of poking and prodding and difficulties breathing. I will instead remember the wonderful nine spoilt years he had with us and remember him how he was, how he is, on the other side.
I am not honouring him by being a shell. I am not honouring our other pooches by half living. I am not honouring myself by ignoring my spiritual side just because I am pissed, again by not getting the outcome I wanted.
Needing to let go of that notion that it should be how I wanted it and how it should be rather than what it actually is and what was meant to be is a hard pill to swallow, especially when it isn’t in our favour. But it must be done otherwise you can drive yourself mad.
Luckily my soul is starting to sneak through even if my human side is trying to cut her out and I have moments of clarity where I know he has gone for a reason that will be revealed to me. That while I am amazing, I cannot change something that already has been fated and decided. That my pit crew did what they could to ease the way and took him up personally at my request.
So it is totally okay to stick your finger up to the Universe for a moment in time and have your completely human moment. They understand and back off while you have this time as they know it is healthy in your development, that it is better to rage than stuff it down and pretend that all is ok when it is not. That you will be even stronger when you have to claw your way back from the ledge.
Just don’t stand there too long, you will always find your way back if you are wanting to, but don’t make it harder on yourself than you need to. Even amongst all this raging and fist shaking, I have known deep down that if I had of connected and done some spiritual work, my pain would have been easier, I would have heard some of the answers more clearly and just felt that support system that I have really needed to feel. Instead I felt I needed to punish myself and my pit crew and while there is no right or wrong, I know it is now time for me to go back into the fold.
It doesn’t mean that I have figured it all out or still not beating myself up for it. It doesn’t mean that I am not longer going to shed any tears – I totally am, I can guarantee it. BUT in amongst all that, I am going to breathe in and feel his peace and happiness. I am going to ask for help from my spiritual pit crew. I am going to remember all the silly things he used to do, which will bring a smile and then more than likely a tear. But those tears meant he was loved and brought a difference to our lives. That we are better and stronger for having him and that he is missed and loved beyond reason.
So with that thought in mind, I am happy to let my tears fall and the memories fall from my lips and thoughts. I want him to know how valued a family member he was. But I no longer want him whimpering because he can see I am totally miserable and cannot physically be there to help me.
My middle fingers are officially down and I am ready Big U to take my place again.
Till next time… keep walking your spiritual path (even if that means leaving it for a time) xx