I am sitting here with happy tears in my eyes as I write this while I sit outside with my feet in the sun basking in this beautiful sunny winters day…
You see I have been working with a fabulous women I shall call H who is helping me with a wonderful self empowering tool that is helping with my panic triggers, old dated beliefs and everything in between.
Today we worked on some things that doesn’t really have all that much to do with what I am so happy about, hence the knock on effect title. It just goes to show that everything is intertwined and impacts on so many things.
I have always wanted to be a mother, whether that will happen or not is entirely up to the universe, but the last few years, it has absolutely terrified me. With my mind having chatter such as ‘what happens if you panic while you are pregnant’, ‘what happens if you just want this alien thing out of you right freaking now because you cannot handle this foreign object that has no choice but to stay inside you for 9 months’, ‘what happens if you don’t eat enough for both of you’ – lots and lots of what ifs followed by sheer waves of panic. A lot of this is anticipation panic, of not knowing how something would be, but it is panic all the same and something that has felt so utterly overwhelming, and seemingly impossible to get over, no matter how much I love children.
Today though, after our session, and me just watching the clouds go by… I realised, I cannot wait to bring life, to breathe life into a baby. I mean what a miraculous and magnificent thing to be able to do as a woman, to be able to create and sustain a new human with my body. That is pretty amazing stuff right there so how utterly special it would be if I am ever chosen for that super special role.
And as I sat there with this knowledge, I felt those tears well up, and this time they weren’t hopeless tears – they were of happiness, hope, and an utter calmness and serenity that filled me when thinking of that happening. And that is a miracle in itself. I can now say I am ready for you babies, I am ready to be your mama, if you are meant for me, without desperation or fear tingeing my words. And that to me is utterly priceless.
What is even more priceless is the above song started playing as I felt all those. A beautiful confirmation sign of holding my arms wide open and allowing the light in. And hopefully creating amazing life 🙂
I know there are going to be many great gifts that this tool gives me, my life now being lived outside of fear and outside of the cave walls that I have created for myself and just didn’t know how to escape from, but now that cave has windows – allowing incredible light to shine through them and light up the shadows that once filled it. Now that cave has a door that stands wide open, inviting me to take a step outside and breathe in life.
So lookout world as I am ready for you… and those babies too
Till next time… keep walking your spiritual path xx