When to Talk

It can be hard to imagine what runs through people’s heads when they do or do not do something, when they say something without embellishing, or when they say or do something you do not like, and you can be left with a bit of a what the? feeling about it.

I have these moments quite often, it is the wonderfulness of anxiety and a super overactive imagination. Ten million scenarios and conversations can happen in my head, and of course your head and body do not know the difference especially when the process in your mind is such a vivid one, and being the way I am, they are usually the worst case scenarios and catastrophic thinking – never the nice happily ever after ones that movies are made of.

It can leave you feeling, quite frankly, like shit and yet you haven’t even gotten the nerve up to actually ask the person concerned about it. Instead you have created all these delicious stories in your head, which really leaves you primed ready for them to come true and puts you on the back foot before you have even started the conversation, because lets face it – how can you have a neutral honest chit chat when you have already turned them into the bad person in your head a million times.

Your body and brain are already wired to the worst imagined outcome so the energy you are putting out about the chat, is already negative, your body is already feeling the effects of this outcome, you are already on the defensiveness because you are just so sure that that is how it is going to turn out.

So what can you do when you get in this cycle of thinking? For me I have learned to tune into my chatter rather than let it run itself on a loop. So I stop, I literally say stop and depending on the mood I am in or what I am overthinking on I will then work on it. I always start by saying thank you and accepting that I was having these thoughts. There is no point carrying on the negative traits of the convo in your head by being mean to yourself. Sometimes I may make a joke about it after my niceness and be like yeah that is really going to happen… insert whatever you need to to realise you were being a bit of a dag in thinking that. You can take it all the way to the extreme thinking and then be realistic and think okay what is the worst that could happen if that is the case, is it really likely that will be the case.

Most importantly I get all the revolving rubbish down on paper, I let it all out, in all of its gory and really go to town. I then take a step back and start thinking logically. This poor person hasn’t even had a chance to be a part of the conversation and I am already damning them and the scenario around it. I then let it go. Honestly some of it is totally out of my hands, I cannot speak for the other person and so I look at what I can control – myself.

I set myself up for success by getting into a positive mind frame and imagining the conversation going well. Or by just putting positive vibes out there and not even attempting the conversation in my head. I ask that the universe has my back and lets me know when is the right time to talk and that I stay in my power in a neutral, curious way while we chat. Because really there is nothing worse than knowing you want to ask or say something that you think could go either way and walking on eggshells and more than likely not being the pleasantest just because that monkey is riding on your shoulder. Or because that monkey is there, starting you off in a less than ideal way.

Then just do it!!!!! Either way you are not able to change what the other person says, but you will feel a relief from getting it out there, and then you can start to deal with the chat itself.

In no way should you give ultimatums, judge or accuse. Instead go in with a curiosity that doesn’t care about the outcome. Just say your part and allow them to say theirs. Their answer may just surprise you. And if they do follow your worst case scenarios… do not react first and think later. Remember you cannot change what the other person says, does or thinks but you can change your reaction to it. And remember they are not you! I had an issue with a friend and I kept saying to myself why are they doing this when I wouldn’t be like this – NEWSFLASH- they are not you, will never be you and so take what you would do out of the equation because you are putting an unrealistic expectation on that person which isn’t fair to anyone.

Take a step back and look at it from all points of view, regardless of if you agree with what they say or not, then act accordingly from that logical perspective.

Remember you will not necessarily be able to stop that first initial reaction within yourself, and that is okay, you do not need to. All you need to do from there is acknowledge it and then take a step back to not let it all be about ‘me, me, me’. To take a look at the bigger picture and not react out of that first initial rush of Ego.

By doing this, it really has changed the way I come across and react, and my interactions are changing because of that. I also let it go as well because why allow someone else to take away your happiness… Only you are in charge of it, so stand in your power and no matter what happens, Be ok.

 

Till next time… Keep walking your spiritual path xx