What does it mean to you? Forever and a day it has held quite negative connotations for me. Today though, I have made the conscious decision to start seeing it in a new light.
Growing up in a less than idyll childhood, it made me feel very out of control. As of course it would, you do not have much control as a child – it is all up to your parents to provide that in a loving and kind way. When there are so many things that you want to change, that you can even recognise as a child, that out of control feeling just grew and grew.
When I got to an age where I could be in charge of my own life and therefore control, I decided to take it to the extreme. Yet at the same time there still felt like there was still so much out of control stuff happening to me, that again I tightened the reins on what I knew and felt like I could control.
Suffering from a panic disorder made my life feel almost back to that small child feeling – really out of control and like I couldn’t do anything about it. So I unknowingly started controlling what I felt I could – my emotions, my eating, those around me. It also came to light today that although I felt out of control in my childhood and where my mum was concerned, her ways although hidden were actually controlling me in a very big way, and that I was unconsciously following the same pattern.
It was only when I decided to take responsibility that all of my controls, or lack thereof, started to slowly change. Because let’s face it, everything I was experiencing, no matter how out of control it may have felt – was actually something I could control and take action against.
Even today, I still see control in a negative light. It was only after my mentor session with Super J this morning that she gently reminded me that control can be really positive and lovingly enforced. I just hadn’t gotten to really see that in my life. To do some big affirmations around being safely in control, and that I am always in control. She also encouraged me to do some exploring around the word and the other words that it can be described with.
I am really glad that I am such a good student as I did exactly that and imagine my surprise when I stumbled across some definitions and synonyms like Command, Mastery and Ascendancy. Those are amazingly powerful words that do not make me feel negative or bad in any way and actually lift and inspire me, and has helped to slowly change my thought pattern around the word control.
It is time to accept and allow all that has been and forgive myself for it and realise that now it is up to me to take the reins as a 35 year old woman and start being in control of my own destiny and path. That control when done correctly can be positive and loving and to exert it the right way yet to also know when to allow and let the universe lead the way, it is a beautiful balancing act that I am looking forward to embracing.
So today I choose to say no more. I choose to firmly say – I am in control, I am always in control. I choose to do it in a lovingly positive way. I choose to stand tall and proud and no longer let anything in my life feel like it controls me. Because I am the creator of my reality and I own it fully.
Till next time… keep walking your spiritual path xx